Long ago, flying in an airplane required special attire. Back then - before the modern airliner - intrepid pilots and passengers had to worry about all sorts of hazards: bugs, rain, ice, even oil from a misbehaving motor. Since it was cold up in the air, scarves were de rigueur along with goggles, warm jacket, and tight leather cap.

For a while - perhaps 50 years or so, most people who flew could do so in regular street clothes. Many people chose to dress up a bit, but it certainly wasn't required. An advertisement for the Boeing 707 reflected the height of business fashion in 1955:



Thanks to the Transportation Security Agency (TSA), the United States is again requiring that fliers make special clothing choices before boarding a jet. This essay was inspired recently by a visit - to all places - a shoe store. The night before a job interview, I discovered that I needed to get some shoes to wear. I went to my favorite shoe store (lots of "frog shoes" in wide widths) to fetch. While there, I encountered this odd tag attached to some otherwise innocuous footwear:


What the heck did "Airport Friendly" mean, anyway? I avoid airports like the plague these days, and had not noticed that special attire is necessary to fly in an airplane in the United States. I also saw another example how the government is creating yet another distortion in the marketplace.

Thanks to "Shoe Bomber Richard Reid" - a US citizen - shoes are now on the list of clothing articles that have to be given extra attention. In Great Britain, one poor bastard was executed by police in part because he was wearing a long coat in weather some bureaucrat determined was too warm for such a coat.

One wonders how long until dresses, shirts, pants, and boxer shorts will be put on the list of possible incendiary devices?

Shoe manufacturers put steel shanks in footwear for a good reason. A capitalist wouldn't waste money on steel and design, if there wasn't some good reason for it. According to an industry spokesperson, a steel insert adds strength and rigidity to a shoe. It helps shoes last longer, and gives a stable platform on which to walk.

I recently had a pair of shoes that I had to throw out. The soles on both had cracked just behind the ball of my foot. Both leaked badly when when it rained. They were indeed cheap shoes, not worthy of a steel shank. If they'd had a shank, I would wager that I'd still be using them. They were certainly comfortable enough.

Capitalists are quite flexible. They perceived a need to have steel-less shoes, and they offered them - probably at an increase in cost. The whole airport security ruckus is causing all kinds of new "flying gear" to appear, and shoes are just one of many victims...

TSA screeners can't comprehend that women need under wire support in their bras. Extra, er, handling is necessary to ensure that the bra in fact contains only what it's supposed to contain. We all "know" this because some bust challenged Russian women are supposedly responsible for downing some aircraft a couple of years ago. How they determined this is not at all clear to me.



According to the bra making industry, 70% of all bras sold have steel wire supports. Other materials have been tried, but are not as reliable. The metal is not only in the underwire, but in the clasps or hooks as well. Still, the TSA "suggests" that women forego metal in their bras.

There is at least one bra manufacturer offering a bra that uses velcro instead of snaps and hooks. One can imagine a new sound audible in lovers' lanes across the USA...



There's a lot of metal in belt buckles. Imagine if a guy wanted to take off his belt and attack somebody else with his belt buckle! Of course the assailant would only have one hand free because one hand will be required to hold up his pants. Luckily for the intrepid traveler, a company has solved that problem with



"Buzz not" indeed.


Here's an interesting item I came across a year or so ago:

The product description from the Victorinox Swiss Army Knife Company:

PRODUCT DETAILS
• USB-Memory with 128 MB memory stick
• Retractable ball point pen
• LED mini light
• Key ring
• Compatible with:
• USB 1.1/2.0 interface, Windows 98SE/ME/2000/XP/MAC OS X, OS 8.6 and higher, Linux 2.4 and higher.
• Windows 98 drivers available at www.swissbit.com/drivers
• The Secure-LOCK software will keep your data safe from unauthorized access. www.swissbit.com/securelock.

Notice anything missing? What about a knife blade? Now we have a Swiss Army Knife without a knife! I sincerely hope that the actual Swiss Army doesn't use this particular model in the field.

The insanity and uselessness of the the entire TSA security apparatus is a cruel joke. Do you see any possible logic exhibited this picture:



We have a little girl - standing on a cute cartoon mat especially for children - shoeless with arms outstretched getting wanded by the moronic (shoed) TSA cretin. Looking at the attire of that little child, is there any possibility of a bomb or knife or gun in the clothing??? We are now living in a complete police state. Luckily for us, if this much attention and resources are used this ineffectively, we might not have too much to worry about after all. There's a 70% chance that TSA agent is wearing an underwire bra.

Here's another interesting tidbit courtesy of the Washington Post:

Even if passengers do not set off the metal detector, the TSA warns that passengers may be pulled aside for more screening. Typically, passengers who buy tickets at the last minute or buy one-way trips will automatically be selected. Screeners also may choose passengers at random for additional screening, no matter what they are wearing.
Let me get this straight. All a terrorist has to do is buy a round trip ticket a month or two in advance, and already he's [sic] made it through this particular "security" screen? Clearly the TSA considers terrorists to be as stupid as they are.

The TSA even put on a "fashion show" at Reagan National Airport with models wearing cotton pants with plastic buttons, slip-on shoes - and bereft of jewelry. Basically, if you wear your pajamas - you'll be good to go!

But wait! That little girl in the picture above is already basically wearing pajamas - and still she was picked for extra attention! They can legally do this - according to an insipid Supreme Court Decision - as long as the searches are completely random. Just so you know what I'm talking about, here's the 4th Amendment text in toto:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, unless said search is done in a completely random and arbitrary fashion to ensure that the people are all violated in equally.

The next illogical step, of course, would be to make people fly in those backless hospital gowns. Perhaps they'll hand them out. You too could be a fashion icon in one of these:




Conclusion

Time to stop supporting these people. Don't fly. Let the airlines know why you refuse. Driving isn't nearly this bad, yet. Though arbitrary checkpoints are becoming more commonplace by the month.

If you must fly, might I suggest that you wear your own specially chosen flying gear?

Put on the oldest, smelliest shoes in your closet. Don't wash your socks for a week before the trip. Make sure you wear airport UNFRIENDLY shoes, so you'll be required to remove them! Hell, take them off before they ask you!

Pierce as many obnoxious places on your body as you can. Use metallic based inks in your tattoos. Get that metallic hair spray. Break your ankle and have steel pins inserted.



Wear those gizmos that keep your socks from falling down around your ankles. Force those guys to look at your hairy sunshine neglected calves! Remember that studded belt that's been in your closet since 1975? Time to retrieve it, stretch it, and put it in your wardrobe.

Make them spend twenty minutes on your unusual wardrobe selections. Your fellow passengers will thank you for allowing them to pass through unmolested. The TSA goons will be so tired pawing through your hair, no energy will be left for examining anybody else.

Take some Canadian money with you, and a large magnet. Canadian change is made out of steel, so it will act differently than what the clueless TSA people are used to. Carry a transistor radio, the kind with a 9 volt battery and no speaker - just a headphone jack. Put the battery in a different pocket. When they demand to hear the radio make a show of putting the battery in the radio, and the earphone in your ear. While on low volume, offer the earphone for them to listen to. They are legally and morally obligated to verify that it is in fact a working radio. Hopefully you'll have lots of wax in your ears. You might mention you're prone to middle ear infections.

Carry an extra pair of reading glasses in your coat pocket. Collect keys and take a massive key ring with you. I know somebody that owns a bunch of stores. He carries over 100 keys on his person. If they ask you what all the keys go to - tell them whatever comes to mind.

Don't cut your toenails and go sockless. Pick your nose and burp your garlic chicken dinner from lunch. Use those little tiny metal bookmarks. Listen to Metallica and Iron Maiden on your iPod. None of these should be enough to get you banned from flying or arrested. After all, it's a free country. Right?

You might consider carrying a "combat cane" to the airport.

It has no metal in it whatever, and can you imagine even a TSA drone confiscating a handicapped person's cane?? Neither can I. At least, not yet.

Most important, carry this at all times in the airport:



Buy several - they might get confiscated.

Neil Alexander