Genesis

Nibbled to death by Ducks

This is my wife’s favorite phrase regarding our government. It’s not the big things, it’s all the little things that will drive you nuts.

The news item that prompted this essay was about the Texas State Trooper who was shot to death for giving a ticket to a 72 year old man for failure to wear a seatbelt. Duck bite.That last little chomp by the duck finally put that man over the edge. Everybody is aghast that he overreacted so badly. Their consternation is palpable.

There are other metaphors. “Straw that broke the Camel’s Back”. Great analogy. Any individual piece of straw isn’t enough to harm the animal. But the weight of thousands or hundreds of thousands finally causes the animal to collapse and die under the stress.

So it is with each of the federal, state, and local laws we all deal with every day. For the most part, any individual law isn’t going to break us - but the aggregate is crushing us as surely as if we were embraced by a boa constrictor.

And when one finally snaps - such as Carl Drega in New Hampshire, or that 72 year old man in Texas - he is excoriated as “unbalanced”, or a “hothead”. Completely and utterly ignoring the long list of “duck bites” preceding the violent act.

Yet another metaphor - the Chinese Water Torture. All they do is drip water on your head. Hell, a drop of water? It’s not even boiling hot? Just water? How can that be a problem?

Yet after a while, it will drive its victims crazy. Heaven forbid you should ask your doctor for a tranquilizer. At that point, POOF, you’re tagged for life, and will never be credible again. Any media journalist that covers your explosion will certainly be supplied with the information that the suspect [you] has a history of mental illness.

Is it possible to backtrack and see how someone can finally snap? Someone who quite possibly has never been arrested, or had mental problems? Just a normal, working person who just freaks out?

The following are a few duck bites that I’ve collected myself over the years. This is not by any means a compreshensive list. Nor am I implying that I might explode someday. I’m merely throwing them out as examples of a series of minor or middling irritations thrown at me during my lifetime. Duck bites.

***

Up in Oregon, there is a law requiring that dogs be leashed in the backs of pickup trucks. I’ve been driving several decades now, on three continents, and only saw perhaps a half dozen dogs that had leashes on. Yep, couldn’t get them seatbelts, I suppose, so we’ll just leash them. For the public good, you know. Nibble, nibble.

***

Speaking of seatbelts, that is actually an insidious law for another reason. If a cop merely thinks that you’re not wearing a seatbelt, he can stop you. Once stopped, you have to prove you have all your paperwork in order. Three specifically driver’s license, title to the vehicle, and insurance. Duck bite.

In some states, they also inspect the inspection sticker to ensure it’s up to date, too. So that’s four. Duck bite.

Now, that is bad enough, but under almost any pretext, the cop can order you and your passengers (who also have to identify themselves) out of the car, and search them (for the cop’s safety), and the car. Duck bite.

Exactly how is this different from the Soviet Union? Oh, maybe the cars are fancier. The car radio gets AM AND FM. Nibble nibble.

Sobriety check points are a long running popular attraction. Ostensibly for catching drunk drivers, they tie up traffic, cause inconvenience to the drivers, and are offensive to the sensibilities. Not to mention that they are violations of several Constitutional amendments. Whatever happened to probable cause? Duck bite.

***

Locally, they’re busily trying to get National Monument status assigned to most of my county. In big bold letters, they say that property rights won’t be affected. Really? Now why don’t I believe that? The full-page advertisement in the local paper says that the federales already own 68% of the land in question. Ouch, 2 duck bites.

Why do they need to modify its status, then? What benefit will we get for the county? Well, two agencies allow forestry to take place. National Monument status will not. Great, I’m not a logger, but it’s not hard to see the effect this will have on my little town. And my property values.Duck bite.

***

In California, it’s illegal to have certain windows on your car tinted. I think it’s the front windows and the windshield. To protect the officers don’t you know. (seeing a pattern here?) 99.99999% of the time, the cars aren’t stopped by police. But you have to cover that one instance. Of course if the windows are tinted, you can be stopped and ticketed. Duck bite.

***

Years ago, while riding in California on a motorcycle, I was stopped by a CHiP. At the time I had out of state tags. Why did the CHiP stop me? I had a tinted visor on my helmet. I was required to remove my helmet while speaking to the officer. Why did the CHip stop me? He seemed surprised to see I was actually licensed and had insurance and all that. He never did tell me why I was stopped, even though I impetuously asked him several times. He was polite to me though, even as he ignored my question, and cocked his ear to hear his radio. Duck bite.

***

Want to start a business that actually employs people? Well, I’d advise against it. I wanted to do just that - especially after the National Monument fiasco.

What with unemployment insurance, workman’s compensation, bonding, OSHA, ADA, IRS withholding (without payment as their agent, I might add), State income taxes, building codes, zoning laws, citizenship verification, etc. etc ad nauseum...Suffice it to say, we gave up on the idea. Can’t help employ anybody. Duck bite.

***

The local government tried to get a new tax levy passed that would substantially raise the local property taxes. It was shot down by the voters pretty badly. POOF, the Sheriff decided that our part of the county didn’t need patrols anymore. They closed our school, forcing the town’s kids to go much farther.

Funny, the big city with it’s separate police department still has sheriff’s patrols, but we’re out of luck? Duck bite.

Incidentally, the crime rate is down since we have no cops around here.

***

I looked on the web for the county’s graph showing how county revenues were allocated. Their slogan is “Proud to be the Best”. They don’t define the “Best” at what, though. Boy, big mistake, it just made me madder. The county government has their own newsletter called “The Probe”. I don’t like the sound of that! Duck bite.

The local taxes go 70% toward education. The big city in our county (around 30,000) has a brand new high school that has magnificent facilities. The gymnasium is as good as many professional teams have. The biggest theatre in town is located in the performing arts center at this high school. The marching band has semi-trailers for hauling their equipment around. Now bear in mind, this is the poorest county in the state!

Down in my part of the county, we not only lost our little elementary school, but the bastards moved a couple of movable classrooms out, and tore down half the front fence to get them out. The fence is just lying on the ground, in the middle of town, looking pitiful. Duck bite.

***

April 15. Duck bite.

***

Remember how Y2K was supposed to have looters? Well, we got our looter. On the night of 1 January, we were burglarized. The sheriff’s deputy came and took a few notes. Said he knew who probably did it. Nope, couldn’t prove it so he wasn’t going to do anything. The burglar left some, er, bodily fluid behind that I know could be analyzed. We’re not talking DNA, here. But the deputy didn’t want to take any evidence. Too expensive. Duck bite.

As the deputy was getting into his newly painted car, he noted we had an elderly decrepit building on our land. He suggested we call the local historical society, it might be designated old or something. I suggested to him, that the last thing I would do is tell anybody anything about my property, lest it be rezoned out from under me.

He looked at me with an attitude of disdain, and said that he needed to get to more important work. Burglary not being important, I guess. Duck bite.

***

Down the street, they spent a week, and untold thousands of county dollars to tear out an intersection, and put in a new, more “modern” T-intersection. Since it was right next to our house, we called the city and asked their public works department about it.

The nice man said that it wasn’t up to current standards, so they fixed it. I asked him if there was any reported accidents at that intersection. He said, no, not in 150 years (I am not making this up). I then asked him, why the hell they were changing it? He said it was on his list. Duck bite.

Did you know that dairy price supports drives up milk and cheese prices, discourages competition, and costs billions each year? These subsidies go to Elsie the Borden cow among others. Milk around here would be half its current cost without these subsidies. Duck bite.

***

Census workers. Duck bite.

***

Many years ago, I was riding a bicycle at 2am on a four lane suburban street near New Orleans, Louisiana. I had on full bright colored riding regalia; two flashing lights, a headlight, a helmet, gloves, and reflective thingies on my shoes. I was training at night, because it is too hot and too dangerous to do so during the daytime.

A cop stopped me (duck bite). I had no identification - didn’t know I needed it (duck bite). The cop sat in his car, while I waddled around in those funny cycling shoes, while he went fishing on the radio.

After more than half an hour (duck bite), he finally presented me with a ticket. The ticket merely referenced a statute, and had no other commentary. After looking up the statute, it was obvious that I had not in fact violated any law. So I decided not to pay the ticket, but go to traffic court.

Traffic court takes all day. I arrived in the morning, and found about 300 other people with the same court date. The clerk calls each of the cases to the crowd. The citizen goes to the judge, pleads guilty, gets fined, and goes to another clerk to pay the fine.

There is no discernable order to who gets called, and when, so it’s not possible to leave and call back (duck bite). Because if they call you, and you don’t show, you’re guilty of the ticket automagically (duck bite).

Finally, after 4 hours, I’m called. I have the statute in question and some notes. I do something rarely tried before: I plead not guilty.

The first reaction is from the judge, who was not even looking at me: he looks up, peering over his glasses. The clerk standing next to him looks at me, then at the judge, then back at me. The clerk who does all the talking, smirks, and looks at the judge.

The judge holds out his hand while still looking at me, and a file is placed therein. He then asks me to repeat my plea.

I say not guilty.

Then the most astonishing thing happened: the people back of the court along the wall benches, waiting to be called for their own tickets begin to catcall, and yell, and complain. They want to hurry up, pay their fines, and get the hell out of the courtroom.

I turn around in utter consternation. The courtroom is in chaos. The judge doesn’t seem to care. As a matter of fact, he asks me for a third time for my plea, waving his hand at his audience.

The pressure on me is enormous. Just pay the fine, and go home. I have the $75 or so it will cost me, it’s not an issue of money, here.

I say not guilty again. This time, I get racial epithets and threats from the audience. The judge doesn’t quiet them. He converses briefly with his clerk, and delays my court date for 3 months.

I ask him why is it continued. He says it’s because the arresting officer is not present in the court room.

“Your honor, if I do not show up, I am automatically found guilty. If the arresting officer doesn’t show up, why am I not automatically found innocent? That is a double standard!”

“That’s the way we do things here. It takes a lot of money to have an officer here. We have to pay him the same as if he were on patrol.”

“ But your honor, that is not relevant. It is a burden on me to take a day off work to show up in traffic court. I don’t get paid at all. And what you are doing is forcing me to take another day off, and lose more money because of the incompetence of the police officer who didn’t show up to court, and shouldn’t have written a ticket in the first place.”

By now, the audience is starting to get out of hand. I literally fear for my health. The judge finally silences them.

“That’s the procedure of this court. If the officer fails to show up three times, then the ticket will be dismissed.”

Before I can reply, the clerk calls the next name. I have to sign my name onto some form stating that I showed up to court. Funny, I didn’t hear the gavel. Isn’t there supposed to be a gavel? Duck bite. Duck bite. Duck bite.

***

My kids are showing a distinct interest in biology. They regularly catch grasshoppers, frogs, pill bugs, even a small bird. Naturally, I want to encourage this sort of thing.

I remember as a kid how much I liked turtles.

At the fish and amphibian store, I asked the proprietor about the fact that turtles were no where to be found. She replied that the goverment had decreed that no one could sell turtles in Oregon because they may displace the native species if they got loose into the environment.

I told her that I noticed she was selling tree frogs that were not native to this area. She said that they weren’t banned - yet. Hmmmm. Duck bite.

***

I’m not even forty, yet, but I’m starting to feel old. I was reminiscing with my spouse the other day about how much I liked cap guns as a kid. The kind that used paper rolled up. You used to pop a few rounds, and then tear off the top as it drooped over the barrel.

My brother and I used to play for hours with those. I must’ve died a thousand times.

I went to a story store to buy something like that. The manager said that he hadn’t seen them in years. Mulling it over despondently, we surmised that there were multiple problems with the roll-cap gun toy, that doomed it to the dust bin of history:

1) They’re loud and may damage sensitive youth hearing.
2) They can be abused by dropping rocks on the whole roll causing an even louder concussion.
3) The discarded roll paper was definitely prone to become litter, and surely there would be residual explosive material that might constitute a toxicity to the environment.
4) They promote violence, gun violence in particular.
5) Repeated pulls on the trigger may promote carpal tunnel syndrome (this applies in spades to water pistols)
6) They were made out of metal, which may rust, or tear causing a hazardous sharp surface.
7) The Consumer Products Safety Commission would surely have outlawed them, and filed suit against the cap gun manufacturers.
8) The loud noises would certainly wreak havoc with the local wildlife, especially the gophers, moles, and rabbits which are in abundance, since it’s illegal to kill them inside city limits.

Duck bite.

Oops, sorry, got a little carried away there.

***

I’ll make a prediction: we will be hearing a lot of stories about normally sedate people freaking out and killing government employees over trivial matters. People who have never had a criminal or even misdeamor in their lives. People who just snap for the most rediculously stupid reasons.

Did that Texas trooper die for a stupid reason? You betcha.

There will be hundreds or even thousands more of these seemingly inexplicable events caused by stupid little duck bites. And the media and pundits will wail about the violence in our society. Caterwauling about the effects, and not the causes of these events - duck bites.

DuckBites

Nibbled to Death by Ducks